When you work in Customer Service there are days you get the best customers and there are other days where you get the REAL cream of the crop. The customers that make you go “hmmm”. Today, this guy took the cake.

Now, stick with me for a minute while I give you some background info on this guy.

I had the pleasure of doing business with him once before several months ago. During that close encounter of the third kind I learned quite a bit about the type of person he is. It just so happened it was right after that political incident where the politician made the unfortunate comment about “Legitimate Rape”. So being the hot topic of the moment, this customer asks me what I think about the whole issue.

Me: (Not AT ALL wanting to get into a political discussion with a customer) I don’t really follow the news and stuff, so I don’t really have an opinion on whether what he said was right or wrong.
Customer: But do you think a woman should be able to abort a child?
Me: (Is this even the same topic?? Fine, he’s getting it now) Absolutely!
Customer: Well, the Bible says (blah blah blah).
Me: And your point?
Customer: Do you even go to church?
Me: Yes, I go to XYZ.
Customer: (Astonished) I do, too. Did you just start going?
Me: No, I’ve been going for over five years now.
Customer: Oh, but not consistently?
Me: I haven’t missed but a handful of Sundays since I started going.

(This guy is clearly at a loss as to how I can believe what I do believe and yet still attend the same church he does. And as you can tell, he CLEARLY makes very offensive statements and doesn’t even realize he’s being offensive – or if he does he’s doing so in order to get his opinion across.)

Ok, so fast-forward to our encounter today…and please keep in mind that this guy’s conversation does not FLOW…he just tosses out these gems from left field.

Customer: Do you know if Verizon lets you drop the texting option from your phone package?
Me: (This is not a Verizon center, how the hell would I know?) Ummm…I’m not really sure, I think it’s just part of all the packages now and you really can’t piecemeal them together or apart.
Customer: I paid over $3000 for texting last year and I have just had it with my kids and texting. How much do you pay for yours?
Me: (That’s a pretty personal question buddy) I’m not too sure because I’m still on my ex-husbands plan and it’s just sort of something we work out each month.
Customer: You guys getting back together then?
Me: (Where the fuck did that come from??) Oh God no! (And I said that knowing FULL WELL he’s a bible thumper.)
Customer: Well, you need to be married, are you even looking?
Me: (Who the hell are you telling me what I need??) Yeah, I’m working on that. Not a lot of good options out there. (Case in point standing right in front of me.)

W.O.W.!!

At this point I beat feet out to the bay for a breather. I only go back in the office area when the phone rings, and each time I do he gets me with another zinger!

Customer: (Saying this as soon as I hang up the phone) So, when are you going to buy a home?
Me: (Do I look homeless? I mean, I know these are my crappy shorts and I probably have a salsa stain on my shirt somewhere from lunch today, but Jesus, do I just come off as a person who doesn’t have her own place?) I BUILT my home eight years ago.
Customer: So, do you go to church?
Me: (OMG, here we go again) Yes, I go to XYZ, same as you.
Customer: (Pausing) Oh yeah, we spoke about this last time I was here. Well, you should be able to find a man at church.
Me: Ummm…yeah….
Customer: Do you do any volunteer work?
Me: (Completely disoriented by yet ANOTHER change in topic – seriously dude, use a transition in your segway every now and then) When I can.
Customer: Do you want to?
Me: ….huh?
Customer: Do you want to go to the hospital for volunteer work?
Me: ….ummm…..
Customer: You know, my wife and I just started a Bible study group, and there are a bunch of us that get together every other week, do you live near the church?
Me: I live just a mile from here.
Customer: Oh, never mind, but the volunteer thing you could do.

Wait, WTF just happened here? He was inviting me to join his Bible study but then decided I live too far away and so couldn’t possibly be interested in attending his Bible study because of that BUT I would still be interested in volunteering at some random-ass hospital somewhere around the city that isn’t any closer to here than his damn Bible study would be?

And why the hell am I arguing in my head FOR attending his damn Bible study?

Customer: You know, you could be helping out at a hospital and a doctor comes strolling by and says to the nurse, “Hey, who’s that? Can you introduce me?”
Me: (Incredulous) Sweet baby Jesus…which hospital is that, exactly?

So, to sum up: Apparently I’m a single, homeless wench in need of getting back with my ex-husband or any man to end my non-married, lack of being a home-owner status who also needs to desparately volunteer at a hospital to get a doctor to notice me.

Seriously need to rethink the shorts and shirt combo I wore today. I don’t think I was going for any particular look, but it definitely wasn’t the one he got.

And yes, I know I’m going to Hell for this one. No need to tell him that, though, I’ve been saved already. Not that he would assume that, though.